Neuro-conformity

I've been using the term 'neuroconformist' for a while now and I thought I should write a post about what I mean by that and why I think it's a good word to use when discussing neurodivergence. However, in true autism style, I can feel the urge to go back and give a full history of the neurodiversity movement to put my term into context... I'm going to use all my willpower (and editing skills) to circumvent this autistic need of mine and try and get to the point (but I do recommend that you read up or find a podcast about the neurodiversity movement and how the term neurodivergence was born if you don't already know it).

Currently, within the field of autism, we talk about neurotypicals and neurodivergens. Neurotypicals are those born with a brain that is 'typical' for the neuro majority, whereas neurodivergent is used for people whose brains diverge from this typicality. This includes autistics, AHDHers, dyslexics, dyspraxics, dyscalculics (in theory, the word ‘dyscalculic’ doesn't exist but I wanted to make 'dyscalculia' identity-first too) and then there are acquired neurodivergencies like OCD, bipolar, PTSD (and so on).

Neurodivergent people generally feel rather harassed by the neurotypicals' way of viewing and treating us. There are a lot of opinions about us, often not very flattering, and the way we're pathologised is often by neurotypicals (or is it? I'll return to this point later). But there's certainly a lot of 'them' versus 'us' rhetoric and emotions run high in the space between neurotypicals and neurodivergents and the divide between us. Indeed, I love ‘diagnosing’ neurotypicals and have a list of fair descriptors about them, however, it can read as somewhat harsh. On the other hand, what I don't love is discrimination of any kind or when we make someone feel othered.  Besides, I can't claim, on the one hand, that neurodiversity is as important as biodiversity and that all the different brain types and structures are for evolutionary reasons, and then, on the other hand, mock neurotypicals for their 'deficiencies' (but it's still hard not to fight ableism with satire and return mockery).

Considering my stance that autism, ADHD, dyslexia (etc) are clever evolutionary designs that serve an important purpose (there are so many people cleverer than me who've written far more clever pieces about that than I'll be able to, if you want to know more), my second stance is, therefore, that the human population is made up by 50/50 neurotypes. And that's partly why we're seeing an increase in people identifying as neurodivergent or being confirmed in their neurodivergence, because there's a lot of us and we haven’t even identified nearly enough of us as of yet! But we've also created a society that no longer holds room for us and we're struggling far more than we did in the past, which is another reason why more neurodivergent people are being identified (I highly recommend Robert Chapman's astonishing book Empire of Normality if you want to learn more about this). If we create a society that won't make room for us without us having a formal diagnosis, the problem isn't us and our needs, the problem is those who won't accommodate us without a professional label stamped on our forehead. That’s another reason that we’re currently seeing an increase in neurodivergent identifications. Furthermore, just like with, say cancer or diabetes research, as we learn and grow as a society, our knowledge and understanding expand and we're able to identify things we couldn't earlier, not because there's a problem with the system but because we've become cleverer (unlike those who keep going on and on about 'overdiagnosis').

(Trigger warning: The next section will talk about the intentional population reduction against neurodivergent people. Carry on reading after the cursiv text if you don't want to be potentially triggered)

Additionally, I want to add another theory into the mix and that's the fact that neurodivergent people have faced repeated 'culling' over the last few centuries (autistic people faced genocide during WWII in Nazi Germany but more than that, I'm thinking of all the witches burned on the stake who were probably neurodivergent and all the women who were institutionalised, lobotomized and sterilised because they didn't fit into a strict societal mould and were, therefore, 'selectively slaughtered like a wild animal' - hence the word 'cull'). Furthermore, we have a high suicidal rate among neurodivergent people and we have a large population group of neurodivergent people in prisons - all in all, as society grew more and more industrial, capitalistic and conformist, outliers faced increased difficulties, which often led to death. Despite currently reaching the heights of capitalism and conformity, we have, at least, stopped directly killing off large groups of the population (though, research funding is heavily focused on eugenics instead now – trying to identify the autistic gene, like we do Down’s Syndrome, so people can opt for an abortion - and we've thus successfully normalised and rebranded genocide/culling of autistic people). In other words, I believe we're seeing a population group (neurodivergents) bouncing back after centuries of persecution and elimination which partly adds to the increase in identifying neurodivergents.

The point of this (other than being a deeply fascinating topic that should receive research focus) and if my theory is right that we're 50/50, we can't keep on calling one group 'typical' and another 'divergent'. This circles back to my desire to diagnose neurotypicals and why that's a flawed idea in multiple ways, not least because we need their form of diversity too for human thriving, but also because there are so many lovely neurotypicals in the world, who have our backs, fights our corner, supports our needs and who might, themselves, experience the world slightly differently. There's nothing wrong with being neurotypical (stop smirking! That wasn't satire. I mean it!) Our challenges, the ableism and the discrimination we face are not rooted in pure neurotypicalism but rather in conformity.

Whether we're looking at gender identity, racism, sexism, sexuality, homophobia or ableism, the common denominator for those facing discrimination and hatred is conformity. Conformity, based on cultural norms, which change depending on the continent you live on or the traditions you're raised under.

As an example, I spoke to a neurodivergent person who was going to a funeral in England. The family is traditional, somewhat conservative and definitely conformist. And, the person I spoke to about this felt forced (and had been told) to wear black, which caused distress that's probably beyond understanding for a neuroconformist. But this person loved colours and was forced to mask their personal expression by having to wear black. And the sort of formal black that's used in Western culture is often also deeply uncomfortable and thus a sensory trigger. Beyond that, this person doesn't really own black clothes, so they now had an additional financial burden to bear. And finally, they felt they didn't get to say goodbye to the deceased in an authentic, colourful way, due to the family's conformist beliefs around a funeral. And they are, indeed, conformist, because in many cultures like South America, she'd been welcomed, if not encouraged, to wear colours!

So, is my argument to rename neurotypicals to neuroconformists - no. Because, as I said earlier, there are lots of nice, supportive and aware neurotypicals and I’m actually trying to avoid creating a ‘them’ versus ‘us’ language where the ‘bad guy’ is based on something we can’t help – the sort of brain we’re born with, but rather focus on the problems created through choices, such as choosing to think or behave in a neuroconformist manner, because it's not the neurotype that the problem, it's conformity and plenty of neurodivergent people conform too which can cause the same issues, like discrimination, ableism, stigma, shame and general 'othering'.

It's important to note that I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad about how they think or act but I want to call awareness to our beliefs and actions and not least, to the language we use. Because words are powerful. Words create realities and drive our personal as well as societal narratives. We should never dismiss something as 'merely semantics' - semantics can mean the difference between life and death, and no, I'm not being overdramatic and do mean this in the autistic sense of literally.

It's no wonder that so many neurodivergent people show up as neuroconformists. They've often spent a lifetime masking and learning the rules of a conformist society and it's become a native 'language' for them (I often joke that I speak 4 languages: Danish, English, Sacrasm and Neuroconformist... though my native language Danish is pretty poor!).

I became friends with a late-identified, high-masking autistic therapist last year and I was so happy to have made a Danish friend who was also autistic and a therapist like me. However, the friendship didn't last long as I constantly felt misunderstood and judged. Ironically, I believe, she felt the same way. From my point of view, I used direct language and I meant what I said (as in, I'd say "in my opinion" which was to directly say that this was just MY opinion and not one I expected others to agree with but in neuroconformist speech, "in my opinion" means "so, you should think the same as me otherwise you'd be wrong". So, she felt judged by thinking like a neuroconformist and adding subtext to what I said, and I felt misunderstood for having to defend myself all the time. When we finally had a rupture, she ignored me for a month and then reappeared with a "Hi, how are you?" as if nothing had happened. But as an autistic person valuing transparency, I wanted to know what had happened and in true neuroconformist style (finding it confrontational, probably 'blunt' and 'aggressive') she got annoyed that I needed to explore what had happened and in true neuroconformist style, blamed me for all the misunderstandings while taking no responsibility for herself. And thus, our neurotype didn't end our friendship or cause hurt, our difference in conformity did.

Earlier, I wrote that the way that we're pathologised is often by neurotypicals and then I added 'or is it?' If you look at a researcher like Dr Simon Baron-Cohen who's been prolific within autism research, you'll also find a person who's been accused of causing many autistic people their lives due to his rigid ideas around autism and for example 'the extreme male brain', causing autistic people to have their identity denied by professionals, delaying the understanding of autism within research as well as the general population, as well as delaying girls and women’s ability to be identified as autistic, causing people to die due to lack of support and care or due to taking their own lives. So, that’s an example of a person who's autistic, but who's behind pathologising and harming the autistic population because he is, or at least was, a neuroconformist as well.

So, what is a neuroconformist and how might you identify one (warning: satire ahead)? 

A neuroconformist can have any neurotype and they won't necessarily 'look' conformist (though there's a higher chance of them wearing non-descript, bland-looking clothes that fit the current idea of 'trendy', lacking colour and flair and it’s likely that their hair matches this description). 

A neuroconformist is very rigid in their idea of what's the 'right' and 'wrong' way of doing anything, like communication, and regard any form of communication or behaviour or thinking pattern that diverts from their conformist idea, as odd, abnormal, weird or problematic - and definitely something that needs to be seen as a deficit and pathologised. This isn't due to their neurotype but due to a deep rejection of their innermost selves, their authentic self, which they fear being seen and judged so intensely, that they have suppressed its existence entirely and wouldn't be able to even recognise themselves in this sentence. It's also what therapy might refer to as their shadow side or the subconscious mind. This means that when they are faced with something that they don't allow themselves to do or be, they will label it as different and 'other' the person doing it. 

Take, for example, physical-emotional regulation. Every human does it. It might be taking deep breaths, going for a run, yelling at your employees or children, numbing and avoiding feelings and sensations via drugs, alcohol or Netflix and it might be shaking your legs under the table and flicking your pen. It might also include rocking back and forth, shaking your hands, doing repetitive, soothing motions, playing with toys or jewellery, saying certain words over and over, humming or several other ways. Unfortunately, some of these ways might look 'odd' to a neuroconformist who's successfully suppressed their bodily needs to 'fit in' and thus doesn't like it when other people feel free to express themselves authentically and, therefore, not focus on 'fitting in' and, they feel a need to label this universal behaviour something different from the rest of the herd animal, called human, and that's why we have the word 'stimming'. 

Neurotypicals (no, not a typo) would have made great gatherers. Doing repetitive, monotonous tasks day in and day out with very little new stimulation (this isn't me trying to be nasty or satirical - this skill was essential for our survival, just like the ADHDers amazing skills for hunting and autistic people's skills for problem-solving, coming up with innovative solutions, recognising patterns in nature that could save lives, like cloud formation before a storm or poisonous mushrooms and dyslexics’ brilliant brains for storytelling and retaining complex information, making them excellent historians and cave painters). When you have to spend every day with the same, small group of people and you don't experience anything novel (gatherers), it makes perfect sense to me that you develop a communication style that's based around talking about daily observations like whether it's sunny today but rained yesterday or how Bark is getting on with his crossbow practice - aka, small talk. 

The problem arises when 'small talk' was made into a norm, rather than a communication form used within a certain context. Due to normalising small talk, the neurodivergent mind's important, fascinating and interesting ability to paint a full, detailed and colourful picture of events, to both entertain and push further expansive thinking through intellectual discord and exploration, was rebranded as 'rambling', 'waffling', 'going on a tangent', 'being too much' or told to value being 'concise' or, if the conversation is internal, it's labelled 'over-thinking', again pathologised and seen as a deficit, simply because the neuroconformist mind can't take responsibility for the lack of ability to do this themselves.

I'd love for more research to focus on language, words, semantics and the power these hold over the narratives that inform people's perspectives of the world around them, their lives and their lived experiences, especially when words are used to marginalise, shame, stigmatise, pathologise and discriminate against a certain population group - it's not like this is new information as we've seen in research and public discussion around race, gender, sexuality and sexism as mentioned earlier. As Tara O'Donnell-Killen, Davida Hartman (et al - that's academic jargon for 'and other authors') write in their exceptional book The Adult Autism Assessment Handbook: A Neurodiversity Affirming Approach - we've recognised as a society that racism, sexism and homophobia are unacceptable forms of discrimination but we're not even remotely recognising ableism as being a problem and it's a widely used and accepted form of discrimination (indeed, many of the late-identified autistic adults I talk to don’t even know the word – that’s how widely unknown this term is).

To change this we need an overhaul of societal structures, addressing systemic issues from representation on TV to workplace leadership training, to redesigning psychiatry and school systems - it's a lot, it's hard and it'll take time, not least because of toxic conformity norms - but a place where we can all start, all join in and all have value, is being more aware of how we use words and how they shape our internal reality and impact those around us. Let's focus less on 'them' versus 'us' mentality and more on shaping a language of joint understanding, acceptance, validation and compassion.

P.s. I'm dyslexic. You'll definitely find spelling and grammar mistakes in everything I do. For years I felt self-conscious about it and it's prevented me from sharing so many of my thoughts - and writings. Then I was writing a chapter on masking/unmasking for my upcoming autism book and it occurred to me that when I'm avoiding showing up in fear of making grammar or spelling mistakes, I'm masking my dyslexia. So, I hope you're able to read my musings without too much effort and thank you for being a generous reader. If you come across any mistakes, I invite you to smile because you've just shared a space with me and allowed my unmasked dyslexia to exist. Thank you.